EMBRACE THE GRACE

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

2012-02-09T07:47:00.000-08:00

HEARTS AND ARROWS

2012-02-06T12:02:00.001-08:00

On a flight home recently, I sat in the front of the plane which is very rare since I am almost always on the B team. An older woman and what appeared to be her grandson sat next to me. At some point during boarding, Dad (a SWA employee) stepped on the plane to give his boy a kiss goodbye. See you next time and a kiss on the head. Of course, I wondered.....divorced? Widowed? Simply a single parent? Whatever the situation, I knew the boy, Jake, was leaving dad's town. Sad, I thought. But also sweet. There was certainly a tenderness in dad, grandma and the boy. Jake was anything but blue. Yellow in fact, carmel eyes with thick black lashes and a radiant smile. He seemed articulate, kind and connected. Throughout the flight, I listend to them chat and laugh and reminisce over a great weekend. When I glanced over, I noticed they were playing tic-tac-toe. However, grandma was not using O's as her mark. Instead, after each X Jake put down, she placed a perfect little heart in his path. He declared their game to be named Hearts and Arrows.

I melted. I have no idea how such a tiny gesture touched me in such an enormous way, but within an instant, I knew how much that little boy is loved. A warm towel after bath time, holiding the door open, giving a compliment, acknowledging a mistake. Sometimes the tiniest, most subtle expression can change someone's day. Perhaps I was premature in feeling sad for Jake. We constantly expect this BIG HUGE GRAND LOVE. Big feelings, big sacrifice, big payoff. MOVE MOUNTAINS! But I believe, a compilation of these small, barely detectable things can be an abundance in someone's life. Maybe if each and every day you commit one small act of kindness, you can make an impact. As Jake exited the plane, he looked back at me with a toothy grin and said I win. I win at Hearts and Arrows.

That best portion of a good man's life, His little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love. -William Wodsworth

THE WEIGHT

2012-02-06T10:48:00.001-08:00

The Weight
by Linda Gregg

Two horses were put together in the same paddock.
Night and day. In the night and in the day
wet from heat and the chill of the wind
on it. Muzzle to water, snorting, head swinging
and the taste of bay in the shadowed air.
The dignity of being. They slept that way,
knowing each other always.
Withers quivering for a moment,
fetlock and the proud rise at the base of the tail,
width of back. The volume of them, and each other's weight.
Fences were nothing compared to that.
People were nothing. They slept standing,
their throats curved against the other's rump.
They breathed against each other,
whinnied and stomped.
There are things they did that I do not know.
The privacy of them had a river in it.
Had our universe in it. And the way
its border looks back at us with its light.
This was finally their freedom.
The freedom an oak tree knows.

WATCH OUT WORLD

2012-01-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

When I was 16, I packed up my car and moved to Amarillo, enrolled at Amarillo High and started school the next day. Terrified. Little ole Lynxette me transferring from a class of 60sih to a class of 400ish.I will never forget my now best friend giving me the bird out of her convertible. She wanted to run over me, I'm pretty certain. Needless to say, I was not the most popular girl in school. I was new. I did not drive a BMW. I did not play volleyball and I refused to seem terrified. Terrified. My dad's apartment was across the street from the school and I would walk home alone every day wanting to move back to Spearman. One random afternoon a boy I noticed at school before (6'5 at least-hard to miss) approached me on my walk and asked me if he could have a drink of water. He was the 'maintenance guy' at the apartments and was thirsty. I let him in the sliding back door and he grabbed a DP, plopped down on our couch and turned on the tv. I was terrified. He was a big guy. I had never met him before and he acted as if he had known me my whole life. When he left that afternoon, he asked if I minded leaving the patio door open so he could come in during work and get a drink so I did. My dad began to question where all of the DPs were disappearing to so I confronted my new friend. "Well, I just clock-in, go to your house, drink some Dr. Peppers, have some snacks, watch some TV and then clock-out when work is over." This arrangement went on until he was fired months later. Which began one of my oldest friendships. Hundreds and hundreds of stories that still make me laugh so hard I get tears in my eyes (most of them on 'Mama's credit card'). Last night I took Betty to see their new baby girl. She was perfect. She was absolutely beautiful. He said, "She stays up at night. That HAS to stop."

THEY DO

2012-01-10T13:38:00.000-08:00

Just in case you haven't received the memo. I am divorced. Yup, that's right. The Big D and I don't mean Dolly. I have never discussed it directly on my blog and never will. I have been private about many things in my life, and after living in Spearman for almost 2 years now, I still have people ask me how life in the Big D is and I don't mean Dallas. Anyway, this entry has nothing to do with divorce. In fact, quite the opposite: marriage.

I can honestly say I am not sure I will ever get married again. I have somehow turned into a, as Mattie says, liberal hippie (she didn't get the memo). Maybe not, but my perspective on life has certainly changed and I am enjoying the JUST.BE.HAPPY. attitude. I spent some of the year feeling mildly bitter about marriage, sort of digging my heels into its dirt and maybe even spitting on it a time or two, fists clenched. Constantly telling myself there is no way in hell two people can committ to each other for a lifetime. No way we are 'programmed' that way. No way we can endure the doldrums or survive the tenacity of Divorce's Claws. 'It makes no sense. It's a Puritan idea created so many years ago which makes no sense for young people in this generation. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.' I decided to give it all a one over, kick it to the curb and say I DO NOT BELIEVE.

Ahem.

And we all know, that is not me. And perhaps at the very moment I decided to walk away, someone else decided to walk down the aisle. Two of the most precious people I know were engaged on Monday and married on Thursday. A quiet and intimate ceremony with family and close friends. No hoopla, no extravagant flowers, no Ava Maria. Just two people who said we love each other A LOT and we are going to give this a whirl. We haven't known each other ten mintues. We have known each other for over ten years. Two people who said it's always always always worth a try.

As my baby brother watched his beautiful bride walk down the aisle last week, this Grinch's heart grew two sizes at least. I thought of the first time I held him. I thought of the challenges of his life and how much he puts others first. But mostly I thought of his courage. If I know one thing, Charles Davis can be my wing man anytime. When he his passionate about something, he takes it to a level the rest of us cannot fathom. And her? Mrs. Jena Davis? Well, that is another post.

On January 5th and probably a lot more than that, I will always be reminded of the doubt that almost took over. Almost.

To Mr. and Mrs. Charles Davis, you have changed my heart. And although I may not get married, I will continue to believe what I always have. Two people should always always always give it a whirl because love can last a lifetime.

And to Cody Mac and Mattie Mac, watch out. You now have one BELIEVING MOH on your hands.

TOP TEN REASONS YOU KNOW 2012 IS GOING TO BE BETTER THAN GOOD

2012-01-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

10. After much worry, you find out Snoop is still the D.O.DOUBLE.G

9. You have a new seeeester.

8. It began with the chargrilled from Acme.

7. Soon, you will have a new brother.

6. You're not missing a plane home from Rome.

5. You are exhausted after a week in sunny Florida.

4. You're pretty certain Rick Perry doesn't have a chance in hell.

3. Someone else's love makes your heart soften.

2. You have 365 days of this goodness to look forward to.

And the #1 reason you know 2012 is going to be better than good:

Bacon is back.

EXACTLY.

2011-12-15T07:49:00.000-08:00

Me: What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?

Betty: A fireplace in my bedroom, a kitchen and a diamond ring.

Me: Well, he's sitting right there. Go tell him what you want.

Betty: Will you go tell him for me?

Me: Sure.

(later at home)

Betty: Was that really Santa?

Me (hesitation): Yes.

Betty: No it wasn't. He had on short sleeves under his suit.

Me: Why does that mean he's not Santa?

Betty: People who live in the North Pole DO NOT need short sleeves.

CHRISTMAS IN THE 79081

2011-12-14T07:33:00.000-08:00

DEAR WILL, NICE BEARD.

2011-12-02T09:41:00.001-08:00

2 Days of Dickens in Galveston: MyFoxHOUSTON.com

LIGHT A FIRE

2011-11-29T14:16:00.000-08:00

CARRY A TORCH

2011-11-29T07:30:00.000-08:00

I spent the holiday with all of my lovely blended family. Betty, parents, grandparents, siblings, siblings' loves, cousins, aunts, uncles and the list goes on. Enough food to feed a small army, warmth, cooking, laughter, great wine, games, superb conversation, pumpkin cheesecake, decorating, coffee, soft beds, blazing fires and the list goes on. After everyone left on Sunday, Betty and I decorated yet another tree. I sat down for a few moments because I wanted to catch the Angelina Jolie interview on 60 minutes but instead I was fortunate enough to see the above clip. Shock and awe. Not because of the circumstances these children are enduring (it's shocking in itself but I was aware of the state of homelessness in Florida) but because of these children's attitudes. Living in the back of a truck, eating canned food, getting ready for school at a gas station. YET. Yet thankful, spirited and happy. STILL SOMEHOW THINKING OF OTHERS. My God, how blessed I am. I live such an abundant life. I was reminded of a blog I posted last year, or maybe the year before, about keeping Christmas simple, about Christmas being a spirit inside of you. And although, I am going all out this year, I feel that Christmas light shining all around me. I will remember these children who live in the most dire situations and still find a way to carry their light. Their smiles were infectious and stirred something in my heart. I am eternally thankful for all that Betty and I have and challenge myself to truly make a difference this holiday season.

MORE THAN WORDS

2011-11-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many times I've heard, "She is such an old soul." or "There's just something about her." And if any picture has ever captured those words, it would be this one. There is just something about the subtle hint of strawberry in her tussled hair and the striking blue in her eyes. I have looked at it over and over, cocking my head a bit to try and soak it all in. I see such a spirit in this picture. I see her Choctaw/Black Irish roots shining through. And as strange as it sounds, the moment I saw this picture I knew this little soul has been around much longer than 4 years, much longer than 31 years and much longer than a lifetime.

God sends us the most precious gifts.

CLAM IT UP

2011-11-03T18:25:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite stolen recipes is clam bake stew. It's super easy, delicious and healthy. I also like to think about Betty eating things that are different from the normal mac and cheese or green chile mac and cheese at our house. So I bought some clams and shrimp while I was in Amarillo yesterday (Dear Market Street, I missssssssssss you). We fired up the pot and worked together to make one of my favorite soups. I immediately dug into the clams as Betty removed hers from her soup bowl. I thought, perhaps, she was setting it out to cool off (although I know better).

"I'm not eating that clam. Those clams miss their mamas and we are going to the beach to set those clams free. (to the clam) Don't worry little clam. I'll protect you." Dinner proceeded and she ate the tomatoes and corn out of her soup. Fine. Whatever. She's four. I can't expect her to eat clams, right? Until she started carrying the clam around with her.

Reminds me of a certain youngster circa 1987 who put 'Only elephants should wear ivory' bumper stickers all over her dad's Ford. And it begins.

COVER YOUR EARS

2011-11-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

Many months ago, a vegetarian friend of mine introduced me to an author by the name of Johnathan Safran Foer. After all the Super Size Mes and other crazy food documentaries, his non-fiction book, Eating Animals, actually made me stop eating meat....for about a month. I remember reading the book and feeling differently about myself...something had stirred in me. I felt a bit smarter, a bit more open minded and a bit changed. Me, little ole me, started thinking bigger thoughts.

Amarillo College sponsors a Commonreader program every year. They select an author/book and host all sorts of activities around it ie visual arts contest, art exhibit, etc. This year's author was none other than JSF and my English prof suggested we enter the writing contest for extra credit. The prompt was to write a poem or personal about JSF's latest book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close or something related to 9-11.

I completely forgot about the competition until the day before and threw something together so I could get the extra points for entering. A few days later Mr. S notified me I had placed third out of over 50 entries. I was, I'll say it, ECFRIGGINSTATIC. Yesterday the Amarillo Museum of Art had a reception for Joel Meyerowitz photography display followed by a lecture at Amarillo Globe News Center.

I almost did not go. I felt silly about being proud amongst the two other 18 year old winners. I felt silly about being 31 and attending a junior college. But I went, and Dr. Matney recognized me and my work was displayed all over the place and something hit me. BE PROUD. Look how far you have come in the last year. You write well. It's not the best ever but at least you dang tried and you just shook JSF's tiny hand, cool no?. You are bettering yourself to better your daughter's life. And when I called home to check on my greatest accomplishment, she said in her tiny little voice Mama, I am so proud of you!

STAY CALM by Grace Calvert

The Captain’s voice, a silencing boom, resonated through the plane, “Flight attendants please secure the cabin for landing.” Immediate panic as each of us realized we were 37,000 feet in the air, followed by curious passengers who would only be answered with darting glances from their youthful crew. Pounding hearts, racing minds, and a noticeable buzz zinging off the walls of the cabin. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. STAY CALM.

Southwest Airlines Flight #2367 was not scheduled to land in Chicago-Midway for at least another hour. Why, then, were we being asked to secure the cabin for landing? Was our bird out of fuel? Was there an equipment malfunction? And most importantly, why had we not been informed of our situation by our pilots? My 20 year old heart took a nose dive deep into the queasy pit of my stomach as I realized something was wrong. Something was very wrong. We were about to go down. STAY CALM. I was the Lead on this flight and, by God I was going to pull it together. Hands were raising, bells were ringing and a sound slowly crept into my ears, not a sound close to me. It was coming from the aft of the plane, overwhelming however distant. Yet I could hear it, piercing and small. A child was whimpering. Vacant blue eyes, speckled green eyes, dark amber eyes, short lashes, thick lashes were consuming my every move. Fear was suffocating the 737 Boeing and without answers mayhem would ensue.

“ What is going on,” I gasped. “There is an emergency and we must divert into Indianapolis. Please STAY CALM and keep the cabin CALM. We are not sure of the exact details but have been notified we must land immediately. Again, you must STAY CALM.” I turned. I faced them. I praised God nothing was wrong with our plane and set out to do what I was trained to do. STAY CALM. I explained the situation to my crewmembers and decided to address the empty faces seeking a shepherd. A sound wafted through the intercom system. A sound so hollow and flat it was unfamiliar to me, unrecognizable, distant: my own voice. “For reasons beyond our control we have been diverted to Indianapolis. Please STAY CALM. The plane is in complete working order and we are not in an emergency landing situation. I will advise you of the details as they become known to me. Again, we appreciate your cooperation and ask that you STAY CALM. Please make sure your seatbelts are fastened, your tray tables are in their full upright and locked position and that all of your carry on items are completely stowed. Flight attendants, please be seated for landing.”

The mind reels. Perhaps it is something as minor as weather. That must be it. The weather in Chicago is……it’s September…..too windy. It must be too windy to land in Chicago. STAY CALM. You’ve worked hundreds of flights. No, more than that. You’ve worked at least five hundred. It cannot possibly be the weather. Maybe Captain Thomas is not feeling well. Perhaps something is going on with his heart. Shit, what if he’s having a stroke? He’s got to be over 60. Jesus, what will we do if the Captain has a stroke during landing? Don’t look into their eyes. They will see right through you. They will sense your fear. She’s crying, 3A is crying and, my God, 14B has a newborn in her lap. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. I need to call my parents. Wait. They are in Paris and your cell is in your bag anyway and they will see your hands trembling. Something is wrong. Something is terribly, terribly wrong. Your fists are dripping sweat. Unclench your fists. They see your fists. Breathe. Why is my heart slowing down? Shouldn’t it be racing? Does it feel death lurking 30,000 feet in the air? What if the landing gear is jacked up and he’s just not telling us? Shit, I am going to die on this plane. I am 20 years old and I am going to die. What if there is a hole and everything breaks in half? That’s not possible right? We won’t all get sucked out of some gaping hole into thin air? Dear God, please just let us land safely. I beg you, for myself, I am 20 years old. I have so much life left to live, but mostly for these innocent people, babies crying, mothers patting, heads bowing. God, forgive me for all the crappy things I’ve done in my life. I’m sorry I had too many beers at happy hour and I’m sorry for using a fake ID to get into happy hour. Do you hear me God? I am not old enough to die. I am not even old enough to drink. I’m sorry for not going to church enough. I am a glorified cocktail waitress. I am not prepared to be the last hope these people have. God, I will do ANYTHING you ask. I will STAY CALM.

What the hell? We are circling. Why are we circling? Why aren’t we landing? This is taking entirely too long. People are shifting; their shoulders lowering. They know. They feel the scales teetering. They are reaching. Their breaths are becoming rapid. Will it be their last breath? Should they write a note? Ha. Should they make a call? STAY CALM. STAY CALM. Enough. I’m going in there and asking them what in God’s name is going on.

“A hi-jacked plane has flown into the World Trade Center. STAY CALM.”

BUTTERFLY WINGS

2011-11-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a dandy of a day and I will pat myself on the back and say I kept my chin up through most of it.

I constantly, every second, worry about Betty's little heart. I want her to grow up to be confident, to know how much love surrounds her, to feel adequate and strong.

As I do every day, I prayed for her during the morning shower prayer but in a more specific way it seemed. I found myself asking specific questions and praying for her in a more open way.

Dandy of a day.

I woke up at 3:19 a.m. and tossed and turned for at least an hour. She must have sensed me being awake and she woke up also. She reached over and scratched the top of my head, the way you would a puppy. She patted my face and put her arms around me in a big hug kind of way. I patted her back and when I stopped she began to pat mine.

And my prayers were answered.

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN ASCETICISM AND HEDONISM IS ONE FINE MONK

2011-10-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

A MARRIAGE BY R.S.THOMAS

2011-10-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

We met
under a shower
of bird-notes.
Fifty years passed,
love’s moment
in a world in
servitude to time.
She was young;
I kissed with my eyes
closed and opened
them on her wrinkles.
‘Come,’ said death,
choosing her as his
partner for
the last dance. And she,
who in life
had done everything
with a bird’s grace,
opened her bill now
for the shedding
of one sigh no
heavier than a feather.

—R. S. Thomas

BEFORE YOU WERE A FAIRY GODMOTHER

2011-10-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

Since children have 8 halloweens these days I needed to find another costume for Betty. She is going to be a butterfly this weekend and refused to wear any of her princess outfits because "those are dress up clothes. not costumes." So we headed down to Poppy's to go through her costume basket. And what did our little eyes spy? This little floral number circa 1988. And, of course, my little girlie girl was set on it from second one. I pleaded.

Me: What are you going to be in that dress?
Betty: A flower princess.
Me: You have 18 princess dresses at home.
Mom: Not floral ones...
Betty: I'm going to be a floral princess.
Me: No. No you're not. You're going to be a Menonite.
Mom: Bun, white socks, white tennis shoes. Perfect.
Me: Perfect. Menonite it is.

NEWEST MEMBERS OF THE PLAYLIST. PLAY ON.

2011-10-20T12:58:00.000-07:00

FROM BAPTISM GOWN TO 'WEDDING DRESS' IN A HURRY

2011-10-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

WHERE THE RED WINE AGES

2011-10-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

I am 31. Another year has passed. Another incredible 365 days. I started an entry many days ago regarding the lessons I have learned this year. So many. So many lessons. So much change and growth. So many things I KNOW God had a hand in. He was in my heart. He has been swirling all around me this year.

Have faith. Know there is a plan for you. I have learned more about myself and life in general this year than all of my years combined. And I hope I can say that every year. A new depth. A new perception. A new life. A new layer. Faith. Trust.

Have forgiveness. I stood at the Trevi Fountain in Rome in January and tossed in two coins. One for my return to Rome and one for my heart's own wish: forgiveness. And throughout this year, I have finally realized, you are already forgiven. Before you even ask, you are granted mercy and compassion.

Let go. As I sit in wine country and gaze upon rows of ripe ready-to-be-harvested grapes, I am reminded of how much life will change. The course of our lives is never clear. You must experience the lows of the valleys to appreicate the highs of mountaintop. Life is such an amazing blessing. With each curvy turn, there is always a great surprise in store. There is always light, guidance, love.

Love yourself. Love yourself often and remember the gifts you give each and every day. Believe in the difference you make.

I am not perfect. Just another year older with a bit more wisdom and a true appreciation for renewal and knowing sometimes in order for gold to emerge brighter, stronger and more precious, it must go through fire.

BE KIND.
Recognize your worth.

Forgive others.

Do what makes you happy because you deserve it.

Never ever ever ever ever give up. And always always stop to smell the wine barrel.

BTHO STOKE CITY

2011-09-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Manchester United Kingdom Best Soccer Team Everrrrrrrrrrr,

I see you on my blog. Is it you, Sir Alex Ferguson? Or maybe you, Javier Hernandez? How did you know I had to bust #4's tail at her game last night after telling her 9 times to SIT YOUR TAIL ON THAT BENCH IF YOU'RE NOT IN THE GAME. I'm blushing as I didn't think anyone saw me, AKA frustrated mom who's daughter doesn't give a rat's butt about soccer or any other sport for that matter unless it can be played in a pink princess dress. Betty's games are Tuesday and Thursday at 5:30 CST which would be like, I don't know, 12:30 a.m. or whatever. Will travel to a Red's game, if you can get her to kick the ball.

Soccer Rules,
G

WHAT I GIVE UP

2011-09-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

FIVE LITTLE WORDS

2011-09-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday:

Pre-K at FUMC
Work
Lions Club
Soccer
Soccer pictures
Homemade pizza
Bath
Brush
Books
Bed
Pick up house
Fold laundry
Unload dishwasher
Load dishwasher
Spanish Quiz
Spanish Test
Spanish Homework
Read three poems
Read three poems again
Bed

Somewhere in the midst of all this madness, a tiny little pigtailed rose lipped maiden stuck her boppy head out of the window and said with a grand sigh, "Ahhhhhhhhh, my heart is so uncomplicated."

Today:

A heart so full it could burst.

IT'S ALWAYS BETTER THAN I COULD EVER IMAGINE

2011-09-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

I dreamt of fancy footwork and the soccer ball whoooooshing through the net. Momma Calvert standing up to clap and cheer for her future Abbey Wambach. I imagined huddles and high fives and ball hogging and whatever else the heck comes with soccer since I've never played it in my life until now.

Instead.....

In the middle of last night's game Little #4 walked right off the field and plopped down on the other team's bench. I imagine it went something like this, "Hey, I like your blue jersey. It's very handsome. So what's up with this whole soccer game thing? Um because, I would much rather sit here chillin and chattin with you guys. By the way, I have purple and pink gatorade over there if anyone is interested. Well, great job out there and go get em."

And then she walks back onto the field straight towards me and shouts out MOMMA I LOVE YOU.

That's what it's all about people. My dreams pale in comparison to what actually comes true. She is me only better.

I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN

2011-08-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

LITTLE MISS CHEERY SKIRT

2011-08-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

Um, once again. Who's child is this? Nevermind that she looks EXACTLY LIKE HER DAD in this picture. Let's talk about the fact that she was awarded "Little Miss Cheer" at cheer camp today. Um, I tried out for cheerleader.....twice. I didn't get it either time. My lack of rhythm and total awkwardness did not help. I don't think I possess one single athletic cell in my body. I am not the cheery yelly type. Yet according to every cheerleader on the Lynxette squad, Betty was the cheeriest of the bunch. I almost died watching her do kicks and jumps. I could not love anything more. GO LYNX GO!

Keep the shock comin'. Now, that's my style.....

Read more here. www.puravidanow.blogspot.com

PEACE, LOVE AND HAPPINESS

2011-08-02T11:53:00.000-07:00

Typically, I put all my peace pics in one blog but I don't have time for that this year. So, I narrowed it down to one and for some reason this picture made me laugh out loud.

PEACE!

SMUDGIN' AND STUFF

2011-07-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

Using Sage to "Smudge" is a simple and powerful way to clear your energy field and remove negative energy from the area. You can smudge with sage, cedar, lavender, and many other herbs. Sage comes in several forms but I suggest that white (desert) rather than the green garden sage be used.

Smudging is the process of burning the dried plant and fanning the smoke over your body with sacred intention. You should also smudge the area in and around where you intend to do your sacred work. Smudging is best known as a Native American ritual, but it is found in other cultures as well.

Smudging is a simple way of thanking the earth and purifying a space. Variations of smudging are found in cultures throughout the world.

Sage is used to purify the mind, body and spirit before praying. It is also used to purify sacred items such as pipes, and eagle feathers. Some may use it to purify their homes, offices, cars and some carry a small amount of Sage in a pocket or medicine pouch to insure personal and spiritual safety.

Sage is burned to drive out bad spirits or feelings and is valued for its aromatic properties. As the smoke rises so does the negative energy. If you are cleansing a room or house, try to open the windows and let the smoke carry the negative energy right out the window.

Me: I am bringing my smudge stick to Dallas this weekend if you want a real life Choctaw to smudge your new homes......I know. It just keeps getting weirder.

Me: Native Americans "smudge". My grandmother smudged my house a couple of weeks ago and I can do yours because I am an Indian woman and head of the household.

Rebecca: Bring a truckload of that s#&% down here.

LeeAnn: No idea what a smudge stick does but it better not get my new couch dirty!!!

MY WISH FOR YOU......

2011-07-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

Me: Let's say our prayers.

Betty: Hold my hands momma and you go first.

Me: Lord's Prayer.

Betty: Star light, star bright.......give this wish I wish tonight.

Me: What was your wish?

Betty: MORE PINK CURTAINS.

NEW FROM ITALY

2011-07-26T14:01:00.000-07:00

My friend Giulia sent me this video recently and I find it beautiful and incredibly sweet. He died from cancer complications in 2006. The girl is his wife and from what I can understand "he longs for nothing but her." Enjoy!

AND DANCE BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON

2011-07-18T09:15:00.000-07:00

There was a full moon Friday night (thank you Farmer's Almanac) so Betty and I decided to 'campout' in the backyard. We made a huge pallet with a ton of soft blankets and fell asleep under the stars. Note to self: Mattie Mac and Cody Mac will wake you up especially if they have been drinking.

Saturday morning I turned the coffee pot to 10 cups and cooked breakfast for my peeps. My parents came over and we had mimosas. Note to self: Mattie Mac hates turkey bacon. And then all hippy hell broke loose. My mom, Betty and I spent the day in my herb garden. We made lavender body scrubs, rosemary and peppercorn olive oil and echinacea and marigold tea (because who drinks echinacea and marigold tea? this girl). We laughed, we worked and we made some damn cute stuff. It felt amazing to be in the sunshine and dirt. Note to self: Cutting things with a three year old lefty requires much patience.

Saturday evening we had steaks and relaxed. Betty made a marigold pie and we danced on the stoop by the pond.

On Sunday my Honey came to smudge my house(blog and pics to follow). Everyone cooked lunch together and we set up Betty's pool. We had a smoked tenderloin with rosemary mashed potatoes and a cold cucumber salad. It was DELIGHTFUL. We spent the rest of the day watching the World Cup. Note to self: Abbey Wambach is a badass. Later I made fajitas smothered in Mattie's delicious guacamole and we sat by the pond all evening while Betty went on a 'froghunt'.

Something about this weekend changed my prospective. Perhaps my heart has been fluttering around looking for a place to rest. Perhaps, I never REALLY thought about living in Spearman for the rest of my life, and maybe I won't, but it's time to bloom where you're planted. BLOOM WHERE YOU'RE PLANTED. Perhaps, I am simply getting to know myself better. Being around my mom and grandmother reminds me that this earthiness in my soul is not just a characteristic; it is a gift and Betty has it too. Some sort of Indian fire burns in her heart as well and I know she will shine a light on this world like no other. There is a twinkle in her eyes which has not gone unnoticed. It's all around her. This brightness that changes your day and melts your heart.

I don't really believe I am a hippy. I have good hygiene and I don't do drugs. What I do believe is my blood runs ChocTaw. DAMN. CRAZY. INDIAN.

Note to self: Mattie's eyes are very sensitive to the sun since Lasik.

MAY THE 4TH BE WITH YOU-LLANO 2011

2011-07-14T08:19:00.001-07:00

THE ONE YOU FEED

2011-07-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

Big circle people. Stick with me.

From my bff:

An old Cherokee Indian was speaking to his grandson:

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a long minute, and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

My baby sister got engaged this weekend. Her senior picture rests on my dashboard and I look at if often. WWMD? What can I do today that will inspire her? How can I make her proud. She looks up to me and I need to let my life speak. Let your life speak.......

As I drove this weekend, I looked at Mattie's picture and I heard the words open your heart. It is time to open your heart. Your heart has been closed long enough. Your heart has spent enough time broken. Open your heart.

And I was reminded of a fortune I once opened which said, "Those who do not fight do not conquer." And at that very moment I knew. What would Mattie do? What has Mattie done? She has fought for herself. She has fought for love. And at that very moment I knew. I knew it was time to go to the mattresses. Fight for the goodness inside of you. Open your heart. Let your life speak.

And so this week, a very dear chef friend of mine with a black mohawk and freckles is coming to cook for me.

Which one will win? The one you feed.

KEEP A TRUCKIN'

2011-07-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

I have had a rough week. There have been a couple of days I have wanted to punch something and scream out, 'WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO EFFING HARD?' which I didn't and that totally leads to wanting to bawl my eyes out from holding it all together which I didn't. Some weeks are just like that I suppose. Sometimes you feel more lonely or angry or sad. Sometimes it is just EFFING HARD because it just is. Sometimes you need to ask God for a little extra help so I have been.....all week.

And then you round the corner and see that the very first tomato you have ever planted by yourself in your whole life is ripe and ready. And you pop that sucker in your daughter's mouth and she squeals with delight AND MAN DOES IT FEEL GOOD.

And shortly after you ignore a phone call from an unknown number which leaves you a voicemail and when you check said voicemail there is a message from Coffee Memorial Blood Center identifying the exact hospital where your blood was sent to save a life AND MAN DOES IT FEEL GOOD.

And on the very same day you realize you submitted an assignment.....to a professor.....at a college. You're a college student again AND MAN DOES IT FEEL GOOD.

And you order flowers for your sister for her birthday and you make a roast for your Nanny and you kiss your sleeping baby and you tell your heart and soul to keep a truckin'. NEVER NEVER GIVE UP you hear Winston Churchill say. NEVER NEVER GIVE UP.

And then just like that, you start to feel better. You start to remember how gosh dang good life is. How blessed you are and how much God loves you and if you will just ask, if you will just whisper His name, He will give you all the help you need.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~Dalai Lama

TO LILY WHO BETTER NOT BE LEONARD SINCE YOUR ROOM IS DANG PINK

2011-06-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Lily Leifer,

GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLL, you don't even know! Where to begin?

Your momma is my best friend. We have been through a lot together. A ton of happiness and some sad times too. We have cried together and lost love together and drank our weight in Kim Crawford together. She has always been there for me listening, supporting, protecting. She's a tough bird and has risen above some difficult situations in her life and as I watched you do the backstroke in her belly this weekend YOU, Ms. Lily, reminded me LIFE GOES ON. Miracles happen and happiness is just around the corner. I watched your daddy hang curtains and your mom pat her bowling ball belly. I felt you move and saw a picture of the tiny new life that is you. YOU, Ms. Lily, have so much goodness in store. You are already surrounded by so much love. I cannot wait to meet you. I cannot wait to listen to your momma sing to you. I often ask myself if there is another baby in my future and the answer is yes. God's speed, Lily. Betty and I will see you soon!

Love,
G

SWEET RELEASE BON IVER

2011-06-22T09:01:00.001-07:00

2011-06-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMA! TURN IT UP!

2011-06-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

A LOT OF PARENTHESES

2011-06-01T09:23:00.001-07:00

I would like to know how many people the average person befriends on vacation. My 'winter' excursion consisted of approximately 12 Italians. Six of which are now my Facebook friends and two I chat with almost every day via MSN. Lordy.

Let's evaluate the friend making process on my latest trip. Hour number 1ish at FLL airport (aka Ft. Lauderdale to non-exflightattendants) I met Lucas (ATV guide from Costa Rica, just found out he is going to be a dad, home for a few months to work in the States....what else would you like to know?) and Kim (sales manager in Chicago, traveling to see her boyfriend (he's from Colorado and is a fly-fisherman (soooooo not Kim's type)) in Costa Rica (they met while teaching at an orphanage and he stayed in CR). Hour 1.5ish we're all friends on Facebook and sharing beers and waffle fries. So you get my drift.

Perhaps if I could acknowledge one special gift I possess, it would be embracing people. I have a way with most peeps and somehow ignite a spark within them whether it's a smile or a conversation. I seem to have the gift of charming (or dragging) every little tiny detail from birth to the moment we are sharing a beer. I love to listen to their stories....their fears, dreams, favorite restaurants, and why HE.IS.SOOOOOO.NOT.HER.TYPE.BUT.SHE'S.GOING.ANYWAY. You can learn so much about this life by simply carrying on a conversation, a real life talking conversation, with another human being.

Which brings me to the next story of friendship in Honduras. Richie. My angel Richie. Richie hopped in the back of the pickup with us on our way to the airport. He's thirteen, giraffeish like me and an incredibly special boy. He has 2 brothers and 14 sisters, God rest his soul. Richie helped us with our bags and even hung around waiting for us to clear security. As he strolled through the airport, several of the locals nodded or said Hola Richie making it quite obvious he spends a lot of time taking tips for helping bratty tourists like us with their bags. We watched him devour a hot dog and I asked him what he likes to do for fun. Richie likes school and kickball and his siblings. He said he would take the money he earned today and buy beans and rice for his family.

Richie has not really left my mind since Sunday. He is a 13 year old boy living in a tiny tiny hut in South America with not much more than 17 mouths to feed and mismatched flip flops but he is happy. TRULY HAPPY. SIMPLY HAPPY. Happy to help us, happy to be a kid, happy to sit and visit over a hot dog. It is this person that I truly love the most and long to know on a deeper level. Although challenged, he has endured 13 years of hardship and carries a smile straight from Heaven. Angels. Angels sent here to remind of us our rich and abundant lives. Simple people who remind you life is not about all of the junk. It's not about new bedding from Pottery Barn or flat screens or LV handbags. And how a good 'decluttering' might be good for us all. Richie in his own simple way made a difference in my life this weekend. His light will shine into a window of my heart. Somehow, I am certain we will meet again and hopefully I can give as he has given to me.

As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness. ~Henry David Thoreau

LOVE OF MY LIFE

2011-06-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE

2011-05-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

I should probably ask for her forgiveness now.

Betty,

Please forgive me for making you a hippie, gypsy, freebird, flower child.

Love,
Mom

CMB + MBD= LOVE

2011-05-18T07:09:00.000-07:00

Dear CMB,

Where do I start? Can Mattie please keep her maiden name? Just kidding.

So you've been dating my sister for years now and I must say I didn't REEEEEALLY know you. In fact, I barely knew you at all. But gosh dang, Cody Mac, the more you come around and the more I get to know you, the better I like you. I'm not saying I didn't like you in the beginning. I just DIDN'T KNOW YOU.

Your 'SOMEDAAAAAAAAY LOVE WILL FIND YOU' fist pumping and head banging this past weekend totally cracked me up and I saw a silly comfortable side I had not been privy to before. You're funny and kind and you look at my sister with love and affection. I like you and I hope you become part of our family soon. I feel like you already are in some aspects. You like us (or act like it which counts) for who we are and forgive our faults and crazy ask ways. I find you quite hilarious and totally appreciate how you handle Mattie. She's my baby sister and she needs a pillar sometimes. You're great at that. Anywho, not to go on and on, I'm just glad you are in her life and you two are happy together.

But remember, I'm watching you focker. Circle of Trust.

MY BETTY

2011-05-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

I cannot get over it. I cannot shake it. I cannot remember ever feeling so loved. I will never forget it. She crawled into my bed, put her dimpled hand in mine and patted me until we fell asleep. I will never love anything more. I am hers but she is not mine.

The challenges, the hardship, the frustration is erased by these tiny moments. Your heart flutters and you know "the very best you can" is enough. You feel redemption for your mistakes and know the love you share has reached her heart.

HONDURAS BABAY

2011-05-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not real sure how this ish happens to me but cheers to the next great adventure:

From my friend:
Ok I have booked another flight, we are set to stay through Monday. I spoke with Tommy he and his wife have taken off the end of the week to island hop with us. So he booked our rooms at Infinity although we will be spending a day or two island hopping to two in Gauanja and Utillia, Cayos & Cochinos islands on their boat.

In short we are good to go, Wendy is working our flights from SAP to Roatan and the return flight, should be done tomorrow. The island awaits us! Tommy has a personal driver in SAP that will escort us from the airport to the hotel when arriving late.

I will rent a jeep Friday – Monday, we can take water taxis from the bars.

Sorry this is short, I just wanted ya’ll to know we are good to go! I’ll send some more details soon.

Cayos and Cochinos islands in the pic below

LITTLES

2011-05-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

it doesn't get more precious than this

and this

except for maybe this

AYAYAYYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAAAAAA!

2011-05-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

EDEN

2011-05-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

IRIS

GRAPES

PARSLEY

MINT

OREGANO

CHIVES

ECHINACEA

PEONY

WHO DOESN'T WEAR PINK WATER SHOES IN THE TUB?

2011-05-04T11:22:00.000-07:00

CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF

2011-04-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Taylor

Elizabeth Charlene "Many Feathers" Benton aka my Honey

SALVATION TO IMPART

2011-04-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

This Easter was probably my favorite so far. I spent time with Betty, my siblings and their significant others (I have officially been deemed the 5th wheel). Thank God for my brother's LED headlamp that allowed him to cook steaks in the dark. We sat around his table Saturday night and laughed and joked and laughed some more.

Church at Polk Street on Sunday felt like home. Several Spearman peeps attended and Todd Dyess who was the pastor in Spearman for many years. He also confirmed me back in the day. It felt nice to see so many familiar faces. The music was incredible and I caught myself singing one of the hymns with my hymnal closed (that's when you know you're dang old). The day could not have been more gorgeous and we had a wonderful lunch with my dad and family.

As I sat and watched Betty inhale fried chicken at the country club our sweet waitress came and filled up my tea glass.....again. I wondered if she had to miss her family's Easter celebration so she could be at work. I thought about the pressures and hardships she might be enduring. I thought, "How am I so blessed? What have I done to deserve this incredible life I live?" It caused my stomach to twist and turn and my heart to sink for a moment. My life is full and abundant and I want for nothing. Why me? Why my family? Why were we chosen to be showered with so many gifts and blessings? The truth is I have no idea how I am so fortunate. I am no saint nor do I consider myself extraordinary. I'm just an average person who tries to do the best she can each day.I do know this Easter caused me to remember these things. It reminded me to be kind and to be greatful. It made me think about the people out there who are struggling or hurting or lonely. This Easter gave my spirit a sense of renewal. I want to be a better person. I want to help people and give back to my community. I want to make a difference.

The day ended with grilled tuna and crisp sauvignon blanc by the pond. I picked a chive bloom and popped it in my mouth. I lit the chiminea and watched the fire dance. I found my own LED light and thought I am blessed, very blessed indeed.

MY SUN HANDS

2011-04-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Kahlil Gibran

AND IT GOES ON

2011-04-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I bathed Betty. I washed her hair and put her towel in the dryer. I lathered her in lotion and brushed her hair. Her hands were dry so I mixed some rash cream and vaseline and rubbed her pudgey little hands and I thought how sad that I don't get to do this for the rest of my life. Someday she will be too big for this sort of thing. I thought soon she will be 18 and she will be gone. My life as her caregiver will be over. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Having a child is FOREVER. It is not just 18 years or 30 years or 60 years. When you bring a child into this world it begins a cycle that will endure through the last day of your life.

Because after Betty I will rub lotion on someone's hands again. My mother's hands.

WAR IN OUR HOUSE

2011-04-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

I realize this might be the longest post EVER but it quite possibly made my year. I have managed to become friends with Manu and Julia(from Rome).....now on MSN. They wanted to translate this Sardinian Anthem for me in English and Italian. MADE.MY.YEAR.

manuele says:
julia are you ready?

Grace Davis says:
i will come to sardinia

Giulia Fiorentini says:
yes

manuele says:
parla di quando i tiranni stranieri
baroni
ecc

Giulia Fiorentini says:
procured to moderate

manuele says:
sottomettevano il nostro popolo

Giulia Fiorentini says:
talks about when the stranger tiran
submit the sardinian people

manuele says:
per tutta la nostra vita loro ci hanno messo la guerra in casa e hanno
iniziato a distruggere
nel nostro popolo la pazienza

Giulia Fiorentini says:
for all the life he come and put the war in our house

manuele says:
guardate cosa state pensando con nelle loro bocche il fuoco

Giulia Fiorentini says:
and will start to destroy in sardinian the patience

manuele says:
guardate che non è un gioco le cose quà succedono veramente

Giulia Fiorentini says:
look at what you think with in their burning mouth
look that's not a joke here the thing is really happens

manuele says:
guardate che le cose aeree sono temporali
(come dire che le parole poi diventano reali)
la gente viene consigliata male dalla mia voce adesso

Giulia Fiorentini says:
look the air thing pass away

manuele says:
ma ascoltatela

Giulia Fiorentini says:
(the word =the air thing,become real)
manuele says:
questo popolo è ORA DI ESTIRPARE I LORO ABUSI

Giulia Fiorentini says:
the peolpe is ill advised in bad way from my voice now

manuele says:
in questa terra ci sono troppi abusi

Giulia Fiorentini says:
peolpe is time to extirpate these abuses
in these land there is too much abouses

manuele says:
guerra guerra..., guerra all'egoismo e guerra agli opressori
questi tiranni mirano hanno uno solo scopo UMILIARE

Giulia Fiorentini says:
war war,war at egoism and war to the oppressor
this tiran look just to umiliate

manuele says:
again?

Giulia Fiorentini says:
(GRACE ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING? )

Grace Davis says:
yes!

manuele says:
i transalate again?

Grace Davis says:
i am smiling
i am happy!

PHOTOGRAPHY THROUGH THE EYES OF A THREE YEAR OLD

2011-04-05T13:56:00.001-07:00

DIAMONDS, THEY FADE.

2011-04-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

BUILD A COCOON. FIND A WAY OUT. FINALLY YOU SANG.

2011-04-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Boy With a Coin - Iron and Wine

Iron and Wine | Myspace Video

YOUR MOUNTAIN IS WAITING

2011-03-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

This morning at 3:50 I jolted from a dream, drenched in sweat, terrified. In my dream a man approached me forecefully, asked me if I had a cross on my forehead, and pushed me down. Somehow Mattie came into the dream and I was trying to defend her. After stabbbing the man in the back, I woke up. I totally credit this craziness to the mushrooms on my pizza last night combined with reading the Iraq chapter of Decision Points. I could not shake it. I could not go back to sleep. I felt afraid. And then I felt sad. Sad and alone.

I remember bad dreams. I remember seeking out my father for protection. I remember needing him as a little girl. Will I be a big enough shield for Betty? It's up to me now. She will come to me with bad dreams, bullies and bruises. It is up to me to find balance. I must guard her. I must protect her. I must be strong for her.

I kept telling myself to think of good things. I thought about the day she was born. I thought about Spearman having virtually ZERO crime. I wondered if the doors were even locked. I thought about the conversation I had at work earlier regarding Catholicism. JG was talking about a retreat he went on recently and the power of prayer. He mentioned several instances in which "he felt a great sense of peace wash over him". Immediately after this statement I thought I FEEL THAT WAY EVERYDAY. I remembered this at 4:25 a.m. and I let the heaviness upon me go.

I've been through a lot in the last year. Above all, I have remained positive. I have felt surrounded with love and have had a sense of peace for a very long time now. I have been embraced by my family and friends and I have felt safe and protected. I am strong. I NEED no one but me. This strength is what I will instill in Betty. She will have bad dreams and feel afraid and get lost. But because of the choices I have made, she will have a sturdy rock to crash upon. Each day I am thankful for the swirling spirit of life I feel all around me. Alive, free, happy, blessed, special, important, kind, unafraid.....ABLE TO MOVE MOUNTAINS.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

THE CIVIL WARS WITHIN OUR SOULS

2011-03-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED

2011-03-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

So last January we took a family vacation to Mexico and it is safe to say the Tribal Council met afterwards and some peeps got voted off the island. I'm sure the Tecate played a significant role but we just didn't really like each other a whole lot this trip. It is also safe to say one member of Tribal Council (my brother) may have wanted to send another member (yours truly) packing. However, since I'm on the Council I was immune from elimination. At the time things seemed pretty tense (this happens on family vacays, I realize). I think all of us said there will be ice water served in Hell before I go on another vacation with those goonies (I have perfect rationale for this behavior but will save it for another day). Now, as months have passed and I look back through the pics, I feel like it wasn't all bad. Just look at us. We were having a dang good time this day. All in all, it was a good time. That's what family is: tolerance, forgiveness and gettin' on over it. In fact, I feel like it's time for us to pull up our bikini bottoms (over a 6 pack of Tecate of course) and make plans for our next trip to Redemption Island.

I HAVE NO WORDS.......

2011-03-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

HOME BEFORE DARK

2011-03-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

I was looking for a landowner's phone number in my notebook today and found this. Apparently this notebook has been around for a while. This sweet letter is most definitely from my then 5 to 8 year old sister. I smiled as I thought about her tiny self, brown bobbing ponytail (if it wasn't chopped off) jumping on her bike to go cruising with friends.

I also thought about how gorgeous she looked last night at dinner. Not so little anymore. A grown woman about to graduate from college. Independent, savvy and all adult. I cannot believe how time flies. I cannot believe she will be married pretty soon and have babies of her own.

And then I thought of Betty. It will be just a few short days and she will be hopping on her own pink (of course) bike. She will leave me a note with precious handwriting saying she'll be home before dark. She is the light of my life, my dream come true and a blessing beyond words. I don't write about her that often because....Well, because read my blog. It's not good enough for the greatness of Betty. My thoughts for her are locked away in a journal my mother kept for me. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. As she grows and learns and explores I am constantly reminded what a gift being a parent is. God smiled on me the day she was born. Kindergarten, homework, reading, writing. What an absolute blast I have before me! I am ready. Bring on the bikeriding. She will want me to go with her, right?

YOU TOO BRUTUS?

2011-03-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

Soothsayer
Caesar!

CAESAR
Ha! who calls?

CASCA
Bid every noise be still: peace yet again!

CAESAR
Who is it in the press that calls on me?
I hear a tongue, shriller than all the music,
Cry 'Caesar!' Speak; Caesar is turn'd to hear.

Soothsayer
Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
What man is that?

BRUTUS
A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
Set him before me; let me see his face.

CASSIUS
Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Caesar.

CAESAR
What say'st thou to me now? speak once again.

Soothsayer
Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
He is a dreamer; let us leave him: pass.

YOU GOT ME BURNIN' UP

2011-03-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

Am I so excited because that's who you think it is in the haute white dresses? Or am I so excited because that's Moet in my glass? Wait. Wait for it.

MOVIN' TO THE RES

2011-03-11T08:35:00.001-08:00

Go Green 2 from Choctaw Cinema on Vimeo.

HAPPY FAT TUESDAY!

2011-03-08T06:35:00.001-08:00

WHAT A DOOOOOOZIEEEEEEEEE

2011-03-01T13:23:00.001-08:00

As I was going through old folders on my laptop, I stumbled across this:

March 25, 2010

The Ellen DeGeneres Show
P.O. Box 7788
Burbank, CA 91522

Dearest Ellen,
Last summer my best friend lost her husband and my daughter’s best friend lost her father. I have enclosed an essay I was asked to submit for a “Farm Mom of the Year Contest”. I realize this is a shot in the dark but I believe ordinary people often make this world extraordinary in so many ways. I believe she deserves to come to your show. And now for the gipper, I think John Mayer should be there too. We, these mothers just trying to be the best we can each and every day, are huge fans. I have enclosed a picture of us at a concert in OKC. Did we rock it out? Yes we did. Rebecca has the lyrics to “Pefectly Lonely” printed and posted where she can be reminded by them, be moved by them. I have also enclosed some of my blog (www.embracethegrace.blogspot.com) entries that pertain to this tragedy which has become a futile lesson to us all. You can also check either of us out on Facebook (Grace M. Calvert or Rebecca Stevens Crownover, Dumas , Texas).

Sincerely,

Grace M. Calvert

AND I PROCEEDED TO LAUGH SO HARD I CRIED.

Next I found the essay (not sure if it was ever submitted):

A person’s true character cannot be measured in times of greatness and prosperity. It is in the shadows and on the edge of darkness that your light must shine through.
“I will never truly understand why this happened, but I will not miss out on Christ's blessings because of it." And with those words, the funeral ended. A father was gone and a soul mate lost. A farm suffered and the community reeled. And until Rebecca Crownover emerged from the smoke, everyone was at a loss for what to do. But emerge she did.
Over the past year, I have witnessed a transformation beyond words. I have watched sadness turn into hope and loss turn into love. I have witnessed light.
Rebecca is truly an inspiration. Not once, not ever has she lowered her head. She is a stone pillar and soft pillow to daughter Acie. She is a listener, a hugger and a laugher. She is active in the family farm travelling to meetings across the country and being the essence of a hands-on employee, never afraid to dive in head first. She continuously supports the endeavors of our town by being active on leadership boards and offering abundant assistance to many charitable organizations. And she is a friend…..a true friend. Loving and kind and always happy to lend a hand.
You see we all have a choice. We are all faced with heartache and tragedy. A winding path is put before us each and every day. It is up to us to conquer this path in light or in darkness. It is up to us to carry a torch and light the way so others may follow. This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. Rebecca has ignited her family, her friends, her employees and our town with contagious luminosity.

AND I JUST PROCEEDED TO CRY.

ROUTE DU ROC

2011-02-25T06:30:00.000-08:00

Local Natives | Who Knows Who Cares | A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY

2011-02-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

"I have lived temperately . . . I double the doctor's recommendation
of a glass and a half of wine a day and even treble it with a friend." Thomas Jefferson

A LIGHT IN THE ATTIC

2011-02-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Johnny Cash songs written by Shel Silverstein. Enjoy and Happy Friday:

MI COCINA

2011-02-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

So I am having a party this weekend. Others may call it having people over for dinner since there's going to be approximately 5 people (and I might be related to half of them) but I say it's going to be a party. What constitutes a good shin dig you ask? Three 3.5 lbs. lobsters on a plane to Spearman as we speak accompanied by 20lovely oysters still in their shells, pizza dough from 575 pizzeria, lit fireplaces and fire pits, good friends and a lot o vino. Once in a blue moon (or in this case full), I will order up some lobsters and deem the weekend COOK YOUR BOOTY OFF.

It sounds expensive but it's really not. Well compared to the fresh selection of seafood at Lowe's Market. And it's fun. It's fun to do it up right and cook great food paired with even better wine.

I am fortunate enough to have a dear friend who is a chef and has cooked at some really cool joints in his day.

Me: So how is the menu coming?

Chef James: Butter poached lobster with a chile butter monte. Oysters on the halfshell with a serrano mignonette and green olive aioli. Any other requests?

Me: I think you nailed it on all accounts....

Pics to follow

SOMETIMES IT'S JUST FOREVER

2011-02-17T17:53:00.000-08:00

My stepdad is at the Capitol in Austin talking legislative banking businasssss....

My mom just left and said, "Good night. I'm going home"...

Betty is on her way to ski in Taos with her dad and could not be more excited....

I sit alone....

Several years ago my parents made an offer on a Castle that was not for sale. In fact, not for sale at all *insert offense. But now it belongs to them. It was meant to be their home. The owner of 822 knew it should be in their care. It will be their home for the rest of time. Gina has spent every waking moment of the last 48 hours making their project a place that is home. She wants B to come home to HOME. She wants nothing more than to be at home with B.

I walked in tonight and there was a tiny table set up amongst the demolition, a roast cooking and candles aglow. He will walk in tonight and never forget the effort she has made on behalf of his happiness. A bed, clean sheets, soft curtains, candlelight and a blazing fire. It is perhaps the most romantic thing I have ever encountered *insert THANK THE LAWD I NOW LIVE ALONE AT 1107.

My heart did a back flip, tears in fact. True love? The path of true love? Bumps, bruises, forgiveness, and APPRECIATION FOR ONE ANOTHER. I'm not exaggerating when I say she lit 157 tea light candles in preparation for his return *insert "It's like he's been off to war and I'm just waiting for him". Their first night together in a new home. "Doesn't it remind you of when Mary fixed up the old home for George in It's a Wonderful Life? Don't you think about the chicken cooking on the old record player? That old home that became their honeymoon?"

My parents have been on a journey, epic I would say. Breathe it all in, let it all go. They have been there.

Tonight I sit alone. My heart swelling.....knowing that it exists.

BREAK OUR HEARTS

2011-02-14T19:19:00.000-08:00

300 DAYS OF SUNSHINE

2011-02-13T19:19:00.000-08:00

Facebook message from Manuele Loddo:

ciao Grace i'm Manuele form sardegna,i'm friend of giulia,she tell me you want visit sardegna wow nice idea,giulia was many times in my farm...i have bed&breakfast in the south of sardegna near to the beach only 500 mt,we have a farm with 300 olivs tryes and orange ecc, http://www.bed-and-breakfast.it/pagina.cfm?ID=7014&idregione=14 one more important news is in sardinia we have in the uear 300 days with sun :) and is very intresting our story...uff if i start to speak about sardegna i finish next year ciaoo Manu

Ciao indeed.

THE NEWEST CONTRACTION

2011-02-13T16:20:00.000-08:00

Me: Betty, you are too close to the pond.

Betty: No, I amn't (am ent).

BRILLIANT!

I FELL IN LOVE WITH BEING DEFIANT

2011-02-10T06:41:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to save for Sardinia, I have decided not to travel until this summer. Period. None. No mas. Doneskis. Unless we can drive there or um, maybe if Betty begs to go to Galveston or..... Well, I'm cutting back. Final answer. So I canceled my trip to see this rocker chick in Austin but you can bet she'll be blarin' on the iTunes all day. Man, I love me some hippie rocker chick jams. Enjoy.

TAKE ME AWAY

2011-02-10T06:30:00.000-08:00

Some days are long and hard. Some evenings your 3 year old acts like a crazy Choc Taw banshee and you are forced to put her to bed 20 minutes early to prevent busting her tail. Actually, some days you bust her tail AND put her to bed 20 minutes early. Some times you just want to crawl into a hot bath with matcha tea salts and a fat glass of wine. A moment of silence and relaxation. Hot bath, bubbles, let it go, lean back.......

And get JUDO CHOPPED by whichever the hell Princess Barbie this is.

MY PEEPS

2011-02-08T11:14:00.000-08:00

About a decade ago (ok not even close but it sounded good), I sat down next to a beautiful Hungarian gypsy wearing a black bandana and the biggest diamond earrings I have ever seen. “Hi(which was probably more like word, whatup or heyooooooo). I'm Liz. "Hi(which was probably more like word, whatup or heyooooooooo). I'm Grace." And it began...

You see, with Liz aka The LizBiz aka Lizzie came the introduction to a group of girls that totally rocked my world. Candace aka Hot Candace aka The Corndog, Anne aka Annie aka Lady Lawyer, Leah aka Lolly, Elaine aka The Mean Jean Green and Jess aka Jessica aka SallingFam.

Wild, crazy, sharp, sassy, lovely. Absolutely lovely. And oh boy, did we know how to have a good time. Many a Friday afternoon spent on the Golden Light Cantina Patio cold beer in hand and many a night spent dancing in barefeet to our favorite BSATBAAGB (please see video below or pic of man in speedo below whichever you prefer). AHEM. So many memories, wood carving in Spearman, lake days, wine clubs, dinner, drinking, dancing, imaginary fiddle playing, laughing and L-I-V-I-N.IT.UP. Those days are long gone now and I think we are all glad for the most part. Well, our livers are anway.

These ladies provided me with an infinite supply of life lessons. They taught me to love myself. They loved the raw, eccentric, quirky side of me. It was the beginning of Grace being comfortable in her own skin. They taught me this country bumpkin isn't all cornbread and chicken and that I have a lot to offer this big ole world. I don’t see or talk to the clan often enough. We all have crazy busy lives but I consider them my best best friends and they are always in my thoughts. I talked to The Mean Green for two hours last night about her new book. AHEM. We talked about wind energy and her grandpa in Floydada and her kickass town in SC. We didn't miss a beat. There was a bond formed between us that we all recognize and appreciate. We meet again here and there, we catch up, we chat, we miss one another and reminisce. And we remind each other how special we are……

Lady Lawyer, Missoula, MT, Attorney/Ranch Hand: Lovely, bold, dreamy, enchanting and smarter than hell.

The Mean Green, Columbia, SC, Author/Pilates Instructor: Wise, independent, fearless and smarter than hell. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_31?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+adventures+of+abigale+green&sprefix=the+adventures+of+abigale+green

Lolly, Tyler, TX, Foam Sales/Mommy-to-Be: Spiritual, supportive, profound, astute and smarter than hell.

The LizBiz, Galveston, TX, Marketing/Writer: Strong, unforgettable, passionate and smarter than hell. www.iheartgalveston.blogspot.com

Corndog, Austin, TX, Photographer/World Traveler: Hilarious, beautiful, kind, caring and smarter than hell. www.creativeammo.com

Jess, Amarillo, TX, BEST.MOM.EVER.: Religious, inspiring, selfless and smarter than hell. www.sallingfam.blogspot.com

Talented, wonderful, brilliant, game changers. Each one of these women have made an impact in my life and make this world a better place each and every day!

JOHN MAYER WHO?

2011-02-06T10:17:00.001-08:00

LOOK AT THE STARS. LOOK HOW THEY SHINE FOR YOU.

2011-02-03T16:25:00.000-08:00

http://www.agweb.com/multimedia/high-plains-success-story/

I have typed and erased a million things that could potentially screw up the awesomeness of this video. Nothing needs to be said except I am honored to know this family. I am honored to have known Adam and I am honored to be Becca's best friend. They are all the most wonderful stars I have ever encountered.

LIFE'S A GARDEN. DIG IT.

2011-02-03T10:02:00.000-08:00

I have had the overwhelming urge to write lately. I feel moonbeams shooting out of my fingertips. I think, for the most part, the rough waters of project transition have subsided and it is time to embark on a new journey or maybe it is time to conquer being still. I feel something wonderful waiting around the corner or perhaps I am already living it and just beginning to recognize its presence. Perhaps, I have found peace or it has somehow found me.

Many days, I close my eyes and envision myself in a sun dress walking through my herb garden, Betty following closely behind picking flowers. I let her smell the rosemary on my hands and we sit under the big oak. We plant. We grow. We feel warm sunshine on our necks. We wash. We cook. We read. We sleep. Betty and me. I know it sounds dreamy and perhaps too simplistic but these thoughts have been drifting around in my head for months now. They are kites waiting for a string. I feel my dreams becoming a reality. I feel myself taking these tiny seeds of thought and planting them firmly in the ground of our life. I feel a new beginning in store.

It’s as if one day I finally woke from a deep slumber and said to myself, “Self, you can BE more than you ever thought possible. You have endured and there is a fantastic life before you. BE a haven for Betty. Self, it is time to begin again.”

Betty has a house with a Koi pond and a garden; a house with a pink room and a princess bed. She is a very happy, well-adjusted 3 year old and I am constantly amazed by her resilience and contagious spirit. She laughs and pretends and loves and dances and holds my hand.

I have a wood burning pizza oven and a new kitchen window. I have a turquoise front door which will soon be yellow. I am the owner of a strong spirit and repaired core. I feel so incredibly blessed and happy to live my life. I feel that each and every day is a gift.

So on this cold winter day, I remind you to wonder what waits around you soul’s corner. What winds will fill the sails of new voyage? I urge you to enjoy the new buds of spring and invite you to plant a seed and help it grow.

To my tiny seedling, I love you more than you will ever know.

FELIZ CUMPLEANOS CARLOS!

2011-02-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

On this day 27 years ago, a wrinkle faced baby boy was thrust into this earth and didn’t seem to be one bit happy about it.

I will never forget holding him for the first time. I will never forget how much he resembled a little old man, his brow crinkled and face puckered post-lemon style.

Since that day my brother has become my very best friend. Each and every day, I am inspired by him and in awe of his compassion and generosity. He touches those around him in such a profound way. He gives and gives and gives a little more. He is kind and caring and listens with an open heart.

It is a rare occurence in this world to find a person of the heart; a person in tune with his sensitive side and unscathed by ego or selfishness. He has taught my sister and me a deeper meaning of love and how to be proud of each other. I can only hope that someday Betty finds someone so good, so protective of other’s feelings, and so incredibly endearing.

I chose this picture because it is here he is the happiest. He has always been at ease and good with the world on a beach or in a tree. He adores a dip in the ocean or flying through clouds in the sky. He has a deep appreciation for nature and all that she has to offer and loves nothing more than to have his toes in the sand.

Happy Birthday to my baby brother! You are one helluva guy.

HONEY

2011-02-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

THIS WONDERFUL LIFE

2011-01-28T12:03:00.000-08:00

"It is good for us, I think, to keep as much joy in life as we can.

We busy ourselves with so many things that are not of the heart and spirit. We worry about money, we agonize over the terrible state of the world, we fret at household duties or business minutiae, we work, we argue, we squander our strength in a million ways.

And all the time the wonder of life is around us, the ecstasy of breathing air ravished by apple blossoms, of walking on fern-cooled driftways, of listening to young leaves moving in the moonlight, and seeing the twilight stars in the violet bowl of the sky.

There is enough joy in one spring day to furnish forth the world, if we but knew it."

-Gladys Tabor

FLORENCE + THE INCREDIBLE LEGS

2011-01-28T06:28:00.000-08:00

TO ROME

2011-01-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

My Dear Roma,

So your food, wine, and scenery were no less than BAD TO THE ASSK. I have never felt more alive than tossing my heart’s desire into the Trevi Fountain.
But we all know I am a people person. I love people in all shapes, forms and fashions. I love meeting people and learning about people and watching people. I love shaking a new hand as much as I love Rughetta pizza. So Dear Rome, my most favorite part about you? Your peeps of course. What I brought home from Italy that I love the most is: Julia, Ewan, Marco, Chiara, Tiziana, Andre, and all the rest of you whose names I cannot spell.

So it goes a little something like this:

Me: Do not go out alone after dark.

Me: I am somehow missing the Italian merriment I dreamt of. Where’s all the yelling and obnoxious laughter?

Me: Do not go out alone after dark.

Me: Is there a little pub close that would be safe for me to go to alone after dark?
Hotel Bartender: Yes, just down the street. Tree Folk’s.

Me: Just walk by. If you feel safe, stop in for a beer.

And the rest is history. I spent New Year’s Eve in front of Tree Folk’s with all of the people listed above and watched fireworks over the Coloseum. I kissed a lot of cheeks and WHOOPED it up Italian style. And I made, what I believe will be, lifelong friends. Be afraid, Spearman. Be very afraid. I anticipate a gang of Italians stomping on your ground before summer’s end.

WHO'S CHILD IS THIS

2010-12-21T12:33:00.000-08:00

I remember climbing the mulberry tree and coming down covered in purple.
I remember the brown water of the gutter aka our fishinig hole.
I remember the green algae from our swimming pool aka horse tank.
I remember the brown crabapples we used to throw at one another.
I remember playing baseball in our vacant lot until the orange and yellows began to set.

I do not remember pink.

I remember forts and fist fights and swimming in creeks and riding ostrich. I remember playing in the mud and dribbling a basketball.

I do not remember a princess crown.

With all of her pink and lace and princess gowns, I fall more in love with a child that is different than me in so many ways. As she says, "Welcome, your majesty." Welcome! Welcome to raising the pinkest girliest girl I know and learning to love the softer side of myself.

WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE

2010-12-21T06:23:00.000-08:00

DEEP BREATH

2010-12-20T06:56:00.000-08:00

This is one of my new favorite Christmas songs. I heard it on my way to work this morning and big crocodile tears welled up.

I admit. I was dreading the holiday season this year. Normally, Christmas is out of control at my house. An enormous tree, loads of decorations, bookoos of gifts WRAPPED AND ACCENTED WITH FEATHERS AND ORNAMENTS AND CANDY CANES. I just wasn't feeling it this year....until this weekend when all of the sudden the Christmas Spirit put its hands on my shoulders and said, "OPEN YOUR EYES. TAKE A LOOK AROUND!" And for the past few days, I have felt butterflies in my stomach and a lump in my throat. My God, how much I have to be thankful for. So there aren't stockings on my mantle, only a very simple nativity set. So there aren't 500 presents under the tree(in fact, my tree is quite crispy). So I haven't bought Betty every single thing her heart desires (so she can touch it for 5 seconds and forget about it).

Christmas should live inside of us, in our hearts. As I revel in this new found "Christmas feeling" I realize how much I've missed over the past years. If you slow down and take a moment to soak in all the simplicity Christmas can bear it becomes so much easier to truly feel Christmas within you. I have not spent hours stewing, shopping, wrapping, spending. There is no monstrosity of a snow village all over the house or a tree in every room. This Christmas, I will take communion at my church and be reminded that God dwells within you as you. I will gather with my family around a fire and enjoy a great meal. I will feel a sense of renewal as another year ends and a new begins. I will hold my darling little girl tight and watch the excitement flicker in her eyes. I will be warm and loved and happy and incredibly blessed. I will remember you have everything you need if you just believe.

If you just believe.

BELIEVE IT

2010-12-10T19:44:00.000-08:00

Some weeks are tough. Lots of days are tough. And there are moments you feel as if you are standing on the edge. I will admit this week I have thought, more than once, WHY ME? Dammit, I try so hard. If I do one thing well it's trying and hoping and working for the best. I should insert all of my many faults in this paragraph but I will not.

As my baby is in bed and my parents are in bed and I sip my one allotted whiskey and water for this Friday night, I reflect.

I am good.

This life is so incredibly good. When I want to cry or cuss or fold, I am constantly reminded of my baby's smile. I am not perfect. I, like everyone else, am effected by the troubles and complications of this journey. But I am good. We are all good. What we lack is the ability to truly recognize and appreciate the things we contribute to make this world a better place. And just because things may be foggy or shock the hell out of us, doesn't mean this life is bad. It is what shapes and completes us.

My business (not really me but my company) joined the SPEARMAN CHAMBER OF COMMERCE this week and the most beautiful boquet was sent to me in congratulations. And I was reminded that you must give to receive. So many times you will be scathed, scratched and bruised. But if you give, give with all of your might. If you seek the happiness of others you will be blessed. You will receive and your heart will be filled.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas indeed!

YOU JUST NEVER DAMN KNOW

2010-12-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

I have not continued the TO BE CONTINUED because it's quite impossible. The aftermath of "Spearman Weekend 2010" has proven to be a never ending story. With every log added to the fire, new ideas were born and new relationships formed. You see, a life song was composed that day and now we are witnessing its strange yet sweet melody. Questions asked and love pondered. As we sat around an old table and toasted a great meal we realized the secret of life is one another. Above all, family and friends, a delicious meal and knowing simplicity has its place in this fantastic world. My little town is small, a village in fact. But my table is large and when surrounded with people I love embodies an unforgettable warmth. Hardships of life melt away during Saturday Supper. Smiles, cheers, laughter, love and appreciation. To be continued.........

LIZ+GRACE+SPEARMAN=RUN LIKE HELL

2010-12-01T13:37:00.001-08:00

Me: How much wine do you think we will need for this weekend? Truly?

Liz: Three bottles a day? Maybe four? So a case. Probably two cases.

Me: Done.

To be continued............

UM, TIME TO FINISH THAT COLLEGE DEGREE

2010-11-28T15:43:00.000-08:00

An excerpt from our conversation on the way to Amarillo yesterday:

Betty: Mommy, what is hibernation?

Me: It's when animals sleep all winter.

Betty: To keep warm through the winter?

Me: Yes.

Betty: What do they get under? What do bears get under?

Me: Bears sleep in caves to stay warm.

Betty: Do they light a fire to stay warm?

Me: No, bears don't know how to light fires.

Betty: What do they do to keep warm through the winter?

Me: They snuggle up with each other.

Betty: And their soft coats?

Me: Yes.

TO TRAVEL

2010-11-21T17:21:00.001-08:00

"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."-

Henry Miller

BIG VOICE BARE FEET

2010-11-16T09:08:00.001-08:00

VAN GOGH SAID IT BEST

2010-11-11T19:17:00.000-08:00

On Saturday morning, as I crawled out of bed,I thought of the challenges that lay before me. I thought of the end and a new beginning and I lit a candle. I kneeled down beside my bed and simply bowed my head. And although I am not Catholic, I prayed for the strength that a flame can bring. I prayed for healing and forgiveness and peace. I prayed that God would guide, protect and mend a broken heart. I prayed. At some point, my mother reminded me: Do not blow out the candle. Let its flame burn until it can burn no more. And so I have. Tonight, in its last hours I am reminded. Sometimes you are surrounded by such darkness that light seems unimaginable. Sometimes the flame is so waning and weak you forget its presence. You walk away from it, neglect its luster, because it seems too small. But there are times, in this life, things burn so brightly you are blinded. The smile of another, the laugh of a child, the love of a friend. The smell of garlic or a glass of wine. Most times, if we really see, light is all around us. We are surrounded by a swirl of light and life and love.

This light makes me thankful for each and every moment. For times lost, for things unsaid and for a brand new dawn.

THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE. I'M.GOING.TO.LET.IT.SHINE.

ATOMIC IS RIGHT

2010-11-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

YOU

2010-11-03T12:05:00.001-07:00

In the wee small hours of the morning, I placed my head on your tiny chest and felt you breathe in and out. I put my finger in your still pudgy hand and listened to the beat of your heart. I was reminded of a day not so long ago when I heard your heart beat for the first time. A hundred beats a minute, it seemed. A tiny little life swimming in a sea of protection from this crazy world. I remembered a day I called and left a recording of your heartbeat on your Poppy and B’s answering machine. I was so proud. I could not believe I had a hand in creating that melodic sound. Such peace. I thought of the days I read to my belly and played Bob Marley to calm your heart. As I laid and listened, I thought about the first time you will put your hand over your heart to honor our country. I thought about the first time your heart will pitter patter over a boy. I thought of the pride, the joy, the swell, the jump, the peace, the happiness, the race and the love your heart will feel in its lifetime. I pondered your heart’s excitement as you walk across the stage, leave home and start anew. Open road, your small town heart left in the rearview mirror. And I could not bear to think of your heart broken or in pain or lonesome. But all of these things it will be. For now, I am the keeper of your heart so I prayed God will hold it safe and healthy and strong and allow it to tick long after I am gone. But most of all I thought of the day when your heart will beat for someone else. The day you will love someone so much your heart aches and the day you will hear a new drum begin to beat.

What a beautiful, wonderful, challenging path you have in front of you. With all of its ups and downs and laughter and sorrow. Remember to listen to your heart. Follow its whispers and its loud cries. Let it be open and without hatred or judgment and full of forgiveness. Bring down the walls. Find what it is you yearn for deep in its depths. But most of all set your heart free. It does not belong to you or me. It belongs to the journey of life. The amazing journey of life.

FEELIN' KEN'S PAIN

2010-10-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Barbie and all of your 10 million parts,

I am sick and tired of your damn wedges and pool parties. Mostly, I am sick of your racey clothes and big boobs. What are you teaching the little girls of this world? Maybe I shouldn't let my 3 year old play with you and all of your friends. I have tried with all of my might to stick to the Princess version of you ie Cinderella, Snow White, etc. which is silly because your long dress comes off and on goes the "Flight Attendant" outfit. Go figure. It never fails. One of your shoes is missing, your seatbelt won't buckle, or the diving board at your pool won't stay up. When I was growing up, my cousin Cassie and I buried you in the mud and cut your hair off. Life with a 3 year old is stressful enough. And just when I crawl into a hot tub with a glass of wine after said 3 year old has gone to bed, I step on a pair of your sunglasses and am forced to curse loudly. OUT WITH YOU BARBIE!

G

WHERE ECHOES RETURN

2010-10-12T12:54:00.001-07:00